After several attempts, near-vomits, and one dramatic surrender on Facebook where I declared Crab Rangoon Pizza a “crime against humanity” and swore I’d sinned enough… my online homies guilt-tripped me into one last try.
r/Pizza basically said “this ain’t it, bud” (got some “Just no”s, a rule-7 sidebar about my kid’s half-second cameo, and zero upvotes despite the effort). So here I am, turning myself in to the proper authorities: r/PizzaCrimes court.
This is peak Midwest heresy: cream cheese base, imitation crab (surimi is what 99% of real Crab Rangoon uses around here), sour cream/mayo for creaminess, minced garlic, green onions, sriracha drizzle. The real breakthrough? Ditching regular dough for a custom one mimicking wonton wrapper crunch (since the store was out of wrappers): all-purpose flour, salt, sugar, melted butter, egg, water, and a tiny pinch of baking powder for that blistery crisp. Baked at 475°F for ~10 min—30 seconds more and it would’ve been ruined, but it hit perfect.
Full recipe/details in the original (blurred out the kid bits this time, rules are rules):
Dough: 2c AP flour, 1tsp salt, 2tsp sugar, 2Tbsp melted butter, 1 egg, 6-8Tbsp water, pinch baking powder.
Filling: 8oz cream cheese, 8oz surimi/imitation crab, dashes soy sauce, ½c sour cream, ¼c mayo, 3 cloves minced garlic.
Top: Green onions + sriracha drizzle (next round: sweet & sour or Thai basil?).
It came out crispy-edged, creamy-centered, and controversially, actually delicious. I loved it, two friends who tried it loved it, no vomiting this time. But I get it: cream cheese + fake crab on pizza? That’s felony territory.
So judge me, roast me, sentence me to pizza hell, or admit what I already know: it’s dopeCursed abomination or secretly genius fusion? Hit me with the verdict, your honor. Midwest represent.
by twohundred37
33 Comments
I’d eat it.
Too much has changed for it to be “pizza”. It’s an open face crab rangoon. Or just like crab pate on a giant cracker. No “sauce”, no cheese, no pizza dough, nothing left of the pizza.
So neither Guilty nor Not Guilty, just not a pizza.
I’d probably still try it though.
I would eat it. Don’t listen to the snobs at /pizza, they deleted my pizzaghetti post in 10 minutes.
Sorry my man, it’s not pizza. Pizza adjacent tho! Appreciate the effort and all. 👍🤓💯
Straight to jail
A Crab Rangoon version of anything is
a class 3 felony. not as bad as a class 1, but you do still have to register as a felon in the state of Pizza.
So undercooked
You know full well you are guilty. Just get in the cell already.
just because a pizza may be a crime, does not mean we wouldn’t absolutely eat it if given the chance
That’s bait
Listen would I eat this? Maybe not (but im a pussy thats doesn’t like seafood though) . Do I respect tf out of you for making it? Hell yeah! Pizza purists are the most boring people on the planet, I will defend to death crab rangoon pizza’s right to exist.
This is the pizza crime equivalent of turning down legal counsel in favor of representing oneself in court.
A local pizza place around here does a crab Rangoon pizza and it’s amazing! No crime here!
If you agree to call it a flat bread, I’ll vote not guilty.
Beyond the crab you never use a rolling pin on pizza dough
That dough looks terrible and im pretty lenient with pizza crimes usually
Why is there no shot of you actually putting it in the oven? I thought you were just eating it raw lol
Man rip Mac Miller 💜
Pass.
Cream cheese! That what I thought!
I would definitely eat but I am still going in the jail cell with you
https://i.redd.it/vi8hrff3king1.gif
Crab Ranggulag, my guy. Condolences.
And for good reason
I feel like I’d have used sweet chili drizzle instead of Sriracha, but otherwise this seems solidly in bacon-ranch pizza territory, flavor-combo wise (as long as you don’t add way too much cream cheese or something).
May the father have mercy on your soul. That sauce is heraletical. Straight to Brazilian pizza jail.
That dough is dry af
I’m saving this post for a weird rainy day where I might want to do this
Makes sense.
They were right to send you here
The way you cut that “pizza” is infuriating